Relationships, Etiquette, and the Drama of Communication
A Vedic Perspective
Part 1: The Drama of Communication
Why Even Simple Conversations Can Create Attachment
The Vedic scriptures repeatedly emphasize that men and women must be cautious in their interactions. Even seemingly innocent conversations can lead to deeper attachments and unnecessary complications, particularly for those striving for spiritual advancement.
Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam warns:
"A brahmacārī, or one who has not accepted the gṛhastha-āśrama, must rigidly avoid talking with women or about women, for the senses are so powerful that they may agitate even the mind of a sannyāsī." (SB 7.12.7*)
Even great renunciates, who have dedicated their lives to spiritual practice, have been affected by the power of association with women. The nature of material existence is such that attraction between the sexes is deeply ingrained, making unnecessary interaction a risk.
Women as Dependents and the Strings of Communication
According to the Vedic system, a woman is always dependent:
As a child, she depends on her father.
As a wife, she depends on her husband.
As a widow or in old age, she depends on her son.
Because of this inherent dependency, even casual communication is never truly without consequence. When a woman communicates with a man, she naturally leans on him for something—whether financial support, emotional reassurance, or validation.
The Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam states:
"The infatuation and bondage which accrue to a man from attachment to any other object is not as complete as that resulting from attachment to a woman or to the fellowship of men who are fond of women." (SB 3.31.35*)
This verse highlights that attachment to women—directly or indirectly—creates stronger karmic entanglement than any other material attachment.
Practical Application: Communication in Devotional Life
Minimal Interaction – Unless necessary, one should not engage in casual conversation.
Clear Intentions – If speaking is required, it should be direct and service-related.
Respectful Distance – Avoid over-familiarity to prevent emotional confusion.
Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 11.26.27 states:
"By remembering the form of a woman, by talking about women, by engaging in joking conversations with women, by looking at women, by associating with women, and by contemplating engaging in sexual relations with a woman—one should gradually renounce the desire for sex."
Part 2: The Role of Women in Devotional Life
Understanding Association and Spiritual Etiquette
While relationships are essential in worldly life, they can also be a distraction for spiritual practitioners. The Vedic scriptures caution against unnecessary association with women due to the deep emotional and karmic entanglements that arise.
The Manu-saṁhitā states:
"One should not sit in a secluded place with his mother, sister, or daughter, for the senses are so strong that they can lead even a learned man into temptation." (MS 2.215)
Even though a mother, sister, or daughter is naturally protected by family bonds, caution is still advised. How much more so with other women?
The Power of Attraction and the Need for Boundaries
Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam states:
"One should not associate with a coarse fool who is bereft of the knowledge of self-realization and who is no more than a dancing dog in the hands of a woman." (SB 3.31.33*)
This verse vividly illustrates the power of female influence on men, particularly those who lack strong spiritual discipline.
Distinguishing Vaishnavis from Non-Devotee Women
Non-Devotee Women – Often absorbed in material pursuits, their association brings distractions and emotional complications.
Vaishnavis (Devotee Women) – Deserve respect but still require careful interaction.
Hearing from Senior Vaishnavis – Learning from the wife of one’s guru or other advanced devotees is beneficial but should be done with proper etiquette.
One’s Own Wife – A sanctioned relationship where love is directed toward Krishna rather than material attachment.
Guidelines for Association
No Unnecessary Conversations – If it doesn’t serve Krishna, it’s best avoided.
Service-Oriented Interactions Only – Keeps interactions spiritually pure.
Avoiding Private Meetings – Prevents emotional and mental distractions.
Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 7.12.9 states:
"As long as one has to accept a material body and as long as one does not become detached from the material body, one should not associate with women or with men attached to women."
Part 3: Ancient Wisdom on Courtship
How Vedic and Tamil Texts Reveal the Secrets of Attraction
Modern books on relationships and dating often present themselves as groundbreaking, but they largely recycle wisdom from ancient texts like the Kāma-sūtra (Vatsyāyana), Artha-śāstra (Kautilya), and Sangam literature (Akanāṉūṟu and Puraṉāṉūṟu).
The Kāma-sūtra describes:
How a man should present himself – refined speech, intellectual pursuits, music, and poetry all enhance attractiveness.
Gradual stages of attraction – visual familiarity, brief touches, meaningful conversation, and shared activities.
This aligns with Bhagavad-gītā 10.41:
"Know that all opulent, beautiful and glorious creations spring from but a spark of My splendor." (BG 10.41)
A man cultivating divine qualities—such as knowledge, self-discipline, and kindness—naturally attracts the right partner.
The Five Love Languages in Ancient Texts
Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages—words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch—are all echoed in classical texts.
For example, Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam states:
"A woman is honored in the family by her husband, father-in-law, mother-in-law, brothers-in-law, and sons. When she is thus honored, she remains satisfied and very happy within the home." (SB 4.3.14*)
This highlights words of affirmation and acts of service as integral to a successful relationship.
Strategic Courtship in the Artha-śāstra
Kautilya’s Artha-śāstra states that a man must:
Be financially stable before seeking a wife.
Prove himself through noble actions, not deception.
Provide emotional and material security to earn trust.
Śrīla Prabhupāda echoes this in Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam:
"A man should not enter household life unless he is able to maintain a wife and children with the requisite riches and resources." (SB 7.14.9*)
Final Thoughts: Wisdom for Navigating Relationships
This article highlights three key perspectives:
Even simple communication between men and women can create attachment and unnecessary drama.
Spiritual etiquette ensures that men and women interact without material entanglement.
Ancient texts provide strategic insights into attraction and courtship, emphasizing self-discipline and responsibility.
By integrating these lessons, one can navigate relationships wisely, whether in marriage, devotion, or everyday life.